I swear, I read stuff other than NYTimes.com

Two very different articles are on NYTimes.com this weekend about suicide.

The first one is about preventing ways for people to do it, which surprised me, and which makes me even more of a proponent of gun control AND a barrier on the Golden Gate Bridge. Far fewer people commit suicide off the Bay Bridge than the Golden Gate. Part of this, I'm sure, is because the Golden Gate is a "prettier" bridge. But part of it is most definitely because trying to jump off the Bay Bridge is really difficult because of the barrier. Several years ago, The New Yorker ran a story about the Golden Gate Bridge suicides, which I stumbled across sometime during my first year of graduate school.

The second is by a mother whose daughter suffered through serious depression. The mother is agnostic; the daughter is Jewish and is majoring in religion in college. It seems like the mother has blamed herself, in some way at least, for her daughter's struggles, despite the fact that she appears to have tried her best to raise emotionally healthy children.

Now that I know a little bit more about how the brain works, I am hesitant to agree with this mother who thinks she's done something wrong. Yes, in my own experience, I would probably have a much different life if I'd had different parents. (Whether it would have been better or worse, who knows?) No, I'm not certain that I would have avoided being clinically depressed or wanting to throw myself in front of that BART train back in October if I'd had different parents.

Yes, if my father had been calmer, kinder, less critical and less abusive, I would probably trust men instead of always being afraid — consciously or not — that they're going to hurt me. Yes, if my mother had been more accepting of me and not tried to force me into being someone I was most definitely never going to be (the perfect, skinny, cheerful ballerina who obeyed her parents and had no strong beliefs at all), I would probably be more accepting of myself and I would probably believe that I deserve to be happy even though I'm not perfect.

But trusting men and accepting myself are no guarantee against feeling this way. It's easy to blame my parents for doing a bad job and "making" me this way. It's easy to blame my brother for angrily yelling at me, "What is your DEAL?!" when I told him that I'd wanted to kill myself. It's easy to blame people who fail to call/email/whatever I think they "should" be doing for me that day. Even if everyone around me did exactly what they were "supposed to", I doubt it would make this go away. I like to believe that it would make it easier, but who knows if that's true?

In the end, I have to make sure I take care of myself no matter what anyone around me, or related to me, does. It's certainly not easy, but I'm beginning to realize that I don't have a choice.

I stopped reading The Bonfire of the Vanities; I couldn't take it anymore, and I figure the ending can't be too hard to guess, considering the name of the last chapter. I started reading a book that I bought when I was in Alice Springs, Australia. (So far, I've bought books in Japan, France, England and Australia — it's kind of fun to have a library that's from such far-flung places.) A Town Like Alice by Nevil Shute is a simple story that somehow manages to fill 435 pages. AND, the men in it have never cheated on their wives and actually respect women.

My belief that any man I let get close to me is going to hit me is just that — a belief. It's A Truth, but not The Truth. So, I figure, why spend my time and energy reinforcing my truth and start spending some time embracing a truth that feels so much better?

In completely unrelated news, I watched most of the men's final match at Wimbledon today, and it was amazing. I used to love watching Grand Slam tennis, and Wimbledon was always my favorite. I loved the Agassi-Sampras era, and when it ended, I stopped watching tennis for several years. I am not emotionally attached to today's players, but I was cheering for Federer. Even though Nadal won, it was still one of the most satisfying tennis matches I've ever seen. Afterward, John McEnroe said it was one of the best matches he'd seen in his life, and that in matches like that, there are no losers. Judging by McEnroe's post-match interview of Federer, though, the runner-up doesn't believe that, at least not yet.